Christian Momma

Father’s day has come and gone.  We kept busy with church, a church-wide luncheon, and a church meeting, that I didn’t really have a lot of time to just sit and think.  It’s probably a good thing.

Every time I think I’ve made it through the grief, I realize once more that my dad is gone and miss him all over again.  So, I made it through Father’s day…but the past couple of days, I’ve been down…I’ve been having lots of thoughts about my dad.  It saddens me that my twins were the age I was when my grandmother died, but I don’t remember her much at all.  I just want my boys to remember him.

He was such a great man of God.  I miss him so much!

“Save a Place for Me”  Matthew West

Don’t be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day when I’m finally there with you

(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

(Chorus)

I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there…
Until I get there…

(Chorus)

Grieving is a lot different this time around.  I’ve been through the grieving process for a grandparent and uncles, and although it’s tough for them, grieving for your dad is far worse.

If you were to ask me how I’m doing (which most people right now who see me do), I’ll tell you “I’m ok”…what I really mean is please don’t ask me anymore.  I’m tired of people saying “I’m sorry”  “How are you doing?”, etc.  I know that’s what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone…there’s not really anything you can say that I haven’t heard.

My emotions are on the surface, I haven’t really had the time to grieve properly, I don’t know how or when the tears will come, but I’m afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That’s not to say I haven’t cried, I have…many different times, but I know there’s going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I’m not prepared for it, but I know that it’s not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).

Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I’m doing it because I’m just not wanting to talk.  I’ve turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don’t want to chat with people.  It’s not that I don’t care about what’ going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what’s going on with me…on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.

Please don’t get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I’m doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I’m just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won’t avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don’t say you are sorry…I already know that…I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad…let me go as “deep” as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me…don’t pity me.

Add to all this, Kevin’s grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband’s cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad’s brother’s son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren’t expecting her to live long either.  Although I don’t know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I’m just not sure how much more one person can take!

I’m somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it’s something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, “It’s not the big things, it’s the little things.”  She’s right…it’s not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I’m happy for him.  He’s no longer in pain, he’s healthy, he’s with Jesus.  It’s the little things, it’s not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn’t go the way I had expected.

Someday, I will have a “normal” life…but my new “normal” will be different than what it was before.

I know I haven’ t been the best at blogging lately, but have wanted to get on here the past few days to let you all know what has been going on.

As you may (or may not) know, my dad had been on a “Road to a Kidney” for some time now.  He started on Dialysis 3 times a week this past summer after his open heart surgery.  He fought as much as he could, however, I come today with a very heavy heart.

My beloved father passed away early Sunday morning.  He had said he was “tired” and just couldn’t fight any more.  As hard as it is, I know my father is no longer in pain and is spending is days with our Heavenly Father.

I never had any doubt about my father’s faith, but if I did, those doubts, they would have long since been gone.  We found a book that my dad had been writing in called “A Father’s Legacy”.  In it, we found out what an awesome relationship with God he had.  It was amazing…brought tears to our eyes to see how passionate he was about what it means to be a Christian and how he felt about his family.  What a great Legacy to leave behind!

I have decided to be sure to work on my “Reflections from a Mother’s Heart” book that I have received.  No one knows how short life is…that was made all to clear for me this past summer when my cousin’s wife (41) passed away of a heart attack and again with my dad who seemed fine just a few short days ago.

I have been so blessed with having that “Peace that Passes all understanding” that God gives (Philippians 4:7).  My heart is overwhelmed with the love and comfort from family and friends…some who lived close and those who live very far away.  The prayers were felt from the time I sent out a plea to pray on Wednesday (11/4/09), through dad’s death (11/8/09), through the funeral (11/10/09), and even today.  We have the Memorial service this Saturday.  We are calling it a “Celebration of Pat’s Life”…how appropriate!  We do need to celebrate all that my dad has done in his life and where he is now, standing on the streets of gold with Jesus…although, I’m sure he’s probably fishing.

My thoughts are now getting all jumbled up in my head, so I’m going to stop for now.  Thank you to those who were praying for our family, we greatly appreciate it!

Tonight I had a first hand glance at how God is using technology to minister to people.

Let me start by saying, my dad is in need of prayers.  As you know he’s diabetic and is waiting for a kidney.  He recently has been dealing with circulation problems in his legs…the lack of circulation is starting to turn his leg/s black.  Please pray for him, he is scared that he my lose his legs.

I started with that prayer request because it’s part of my story here.  I sent out an email to our prayernet at our church along with close friends that I know will pray for my dad.  One of the people I sent that request to is a dear friend of my parents.  Pastor Steve Keller is a minister our whole family has sat under for about a year when the church we were attending was going through a transition from one pastor to another.  Steve, his wife Annette, and my parents became very close friends.  My parents even went with him to some of his revival services.

Distance now hinders them from seeing each other.  My parents living in Ohio and they live in Georgia.  I try keeping them connected through emails so that they know what’s going on with my dad’s health.

After sending out my prayer request last night, I woke up to an email from  Steve.  God had laid it upon his heart to contact a friend of his that he ministered with, who happened to be having revival meetings going on right now in Florida.  My parents also know Larry & Corrinne Silverman from those revival meetings that they went on with Steve and Annette.

Another email arrived from Steve shortly after that with a link to the online podcast that would be happening LIVE tonight.  I made it a point to log on when it started.  Once I got it all up and running, I made sure to introduce myself and let them know who I was and where I was from.  Shortly there after, Steve signed on for the same meeting.  I sat and watched as they started their worship time.  Larry chatted with me for a little while to let me know that they would be praying for my dad as soon as the worship time was over.  I immediately called my mom and dad to let them know what was going on (my parents have been having issues getting online, so they were unable to connect to the internet today).

After the worship was over, I was sure to turn up the speakers on my computer, put my mom and dad (who both happen to be on the line) on speaker phone so that my computer speakers would pick up fully.  And through all this technology, my dad was prayed for and felt God touch him…from Florida all the way to Ohio!

God doesn’t allow something like distance to hinder His ministry.  Nothing is too big or too complicated for Him!

How awesome that God used technology to reach my dad!

Anyway, my dad goes in tomorrow morning to see his doctor about the circulation in his legs.  Please pray for healing for my dad.

Thank you!  And Praise God for all that He is doing in the lives of those in FL and in my dad!

Things aren’t progressing the way I would have thought.  I had always thought that my dad would be getting a kidney by Christmas…but the looks of that are slim.

Dad’s cousin was going through the testing to see if she was a match to give him a kidney.  All the preliminary testing showed up as a match, putting her into more and more testing.  Well, on the heart testing, they found blockage with her heart.  That puts a huge kink in the plans for her to donate a kidney to my dad.  However, I look at this as a blessing in disguise!  Had my dad’s cousin not been getting tests done for a kidney donation, I’m not sure they would have seen the blockage in her heart.

My dad has been having some swelling in his legs.  So he went in on Friday to see if they would be able to get a stint put into the legs to help with the flow of blood.  After being at the hospital for some time, they were unable to do anything about his legs.  He has a very high percentage (not sure the exact number, my mom had said something like 90%, but I’m not positive) of blockage in both legs.  With my dad being diabetic, this isn’t good.  He goes back on the 29th to the doctor to see what their options are now to get it fixed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed and frustrated.  I know my dad really wants a kidney…like Yesterday…but for now he goes in to dialysis 3 times a week.  Dialysis is really taking a toll on my dad too.  He’s usually extremely exhausted when he’s done and there are days he’s really sick from it as well.  I can only imagine what a number this is doing on my dad.  As for me, I feel bad…I feel helpless.  All I can do is pray, pray and pray some more.  I know God has my dad in his hands and He will give my dad a kidney when the time is right.  In the meantime, we learn to treasure each day.  Never missing a moment to tell my dad I love him and I care for him and I want him to do what’s best.

If you are a follower of our journey, please continue to pray.  I am really trying to keep up here, but I know I’ve been slacking!

I know a lot of you were able to keep up with what was going on with my dad via Facebook.  But then again, some of you probably are wondering.

My dad had open heart surgery on July 13, 2009…which happened to be my mom and dad’s 41st wedding anniversary.  The doctors had to do a Triple Bypass surgery on his heart.  The surgery ended earlier than expected.

Due to dad’s failing kidneys, gout, and diabetes, his recovery from heart surgery was slowed.  Dad is now at home recovering…still in some pain, but overall doing well.  They had to put him on dialysis as well.  So he is overly exhausted, but he is recovering.

In a few months (6 hopefully) dad will be placed back onto the kidney transplant list.

We pray daily for a kidney and have watched God walk beside my parents…giving them both strength throughout this past couple of weeks.  Please join with me in prayer for them, for dad’s continued healing, strength for both dad and for mom (to endure), and that a kidney would be available for my dad soon after he is back on the transplant list!

Please keep him in  your prayers…we are looking at Open Heart Surgery…in doing so, his Kidney function will be lost and he will be on dialysis.

Also, because of his heart condition, he will not be considered a good candidate for a kidney transplant for at least a year.

Thanks

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you know that I have been asking for prayers for my dad who has been sick.

My dad has Chronic Kidney Disease. He is a diabetic whose kidneys are failing. I have decided to begin posting about his Road to a Kidney.

Feel free to follow along in our story. I will give you background on my dad so that you all can be a part of what we are all going through.

Prayers are always welcomed and we love hearing from you.

I am using my blog to ask my readers for prayer.  My dad’s kidneys are getting worse.  The doctor called him today and told him they were moving forward with the Dialysis/Kidney Transplant route.

I have mentioned before how we are going to get a house so that if they have to move in during this process, we would have the room.  We did find a house, and are working on the contract part right now.

Please pray for the following…

1. Dad to have strength through this process (I’ve been told that dialysis is very draining on a person, they are tired and sick a lot).
2. Mom to be able to support my dad and get the information she needs.  She still works, so we are going to pray for her work situation during this too.
3. That there will be a match for my dad in the family or a kidney to become available quickly so that my dad can get a transplant.
4. God’s peace throughout this whole process.
5. Kevin and I’s house situation to be completed if/when my parents move in with us.

Thank you all for your prayers…they mean a lot to us!

I cannot believe that I’ve struggled so much with coming up with something to post.  This never used to be so hard for me.  I would come and post something about my day and that would be it, but now I feel like that’s not what I want to post…I want each post to have meaning.  But, in doing that, I haven’t had posts.  So I guess, they will have to both happen to get me to post more often!

My dad is now home from the hospital, the blood clot is gone…Praise the Lord!!  He is still having issues with his Kidneys.  They are functioning at 22%…which I think is Stage 3 Kidney Failure (Stage 4 is dialysis/transplant level).  That worries me.  My mom and dad have been going through the counseling for this already.  Getting the information they need to know before he gets to that point.  I talked to my neighbor, she’s a Dialysis Nurse at the VA hospital down here.  She is going to get me some information for me.  She used to work at UC Hospital (which is one of the hospitals that the doctor said they would do the transplant at).  She only had good things to say about the transplant wing (is that what they call that?).

So, Kevin and I are looking for a house!  I’m so excited!  We are being a tad picky at what we choose.  We want a 4+ bedroom house, 3 car garage, and a full basement.  We want to have the extra room so that if my dad were to need a transplant down here, they could come and live with us for a time (hence the full basement and the extra garage space).  It’s exciting to see so many houses in our price range!  We originally said we didn’t want to have a pool, however, we have found a few places that offer a pool in our price range…and even lower than our price range…causing us to take a double look at it.  I know foreclosure is bad, and I would never want anyone to go through that, however, us being in the position we are in, we are finding that the foreclosures to be to our benefit!  We don’t own a house right now, we rent, so we are in the best position to get a house right now!

Our church has been going through a lot of changes (or hints of change) here lately.  Sometimes change hurts…some of these changed directly affected me.  God has called us to this church, and I know great things will happen in this church.  Satan has been attacking this church left and right, I can see it.  I have always said that if Satan is trying so hard to take down a church, that something good will come from it.  He wouldn’t attack if we were “luke warm” or “stagnant”.  He attacks when the Kingdom of God is going to advance. We are fighting Satan, not people.  It’s a Spiritual war going on right now.

Our church is doing a church-wide study on Ephesians.  I have learned so much already.  About my prayers and about Church Unity.  It’s awesome that this study comes at a time like this!!

VBS is starting up.  I have neglected it since all the “shake-up” at the church.  Why you ask?  Well, the lady I was working closely with to run VBS is no longer in our church.  That hit me hard, I went through my “I can’t do this” stage and have since came out on the other end with a clearer head.  I have been on my knees speaking with God about direction, I think it’s becoming clearer and clearer as to what I am to do.  I’ve had more offers of help from people that I know would be wonderful helpers!  Thursday, I will be meeting with the Elder that is over VBS to get him caught up and show him what is needed, where we are going and what we are doing, so he can help and get plugged into the position that he should be in.

I can say this post has been a bit of a random “dump”, but I had to get it all out.

God is changing me, molding me into the person He has called me to be.  I’m learning…and one day I’ll get there, with God as my guide!