Change is inevitable

My life is in no where what I thought it would be.  As a young girl, I remember playing “school” with my stuffed animals and dolls because I wanted to become a teacher.  As I grew older, I wanted to be an accountant (that was until I attempted accounting in college…decided that I couldn’t deal with all those numbers!!).  A slight change in my classes and I got my degree in computers.  I enjoy working on computers! :)

One thing that I had always wanted to be as a young child was a mother.  I had all my dolls…most of which were girls…and played with them all the time.  I even remember one year my parents buying me a doll that was the size of a 6 month old baby (even wore 6 month old baby clothes).  I took that doll everywhere…we even went garage saleing for clothes for this doll!  I put it into the bath (not a good idea to do with a cloth doll) and dried it off with the hair dryer (again…not such a good idea with a cloth doll), which resulted in a hole in the belly of my baby…just a slight burn!  What a great mom!  LOL  Nothing that a onsie put onto my baby (permanently) wouldn’t fix…didn’t want to lose all that stuffing!  I played with that doll a lot!!  (well, until her head popped off…then I had to throw her away)

So here I am today…I’m not a teacher or an accountant.  And that degree in computers?  I’ve never had a job that I could use that degree in…and since computers have changed so much since I graduated from college, my degree isn’t worth much!!  I am a mother…but of boys! :)  And I don’t work…well, outside of my house for money.

Not quite what I had thought my life would be, but that’s ok, God knows what he’s doing.  I couldn’t imagine what my life would even look like if it were my decision on what it would be.

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

I’m forever changed…in more ways than one. I’m ok with that!

cmannabelle

Change

Change is inevitable…change is hard.

To grow, you have to change.

The transition from one place to another is very straining on everyone involved.  Friendships are strained.

A true friend walks in when the world walks out

But when God is in the midst of change, you know something powerful will come out of all the changes.

During this midst of change, I’m on my knees asking for God to guide me, direct me, protect me.

cmannabelle

Comparisons

I was reading my morning blog feeds, and came across one that made me pause…and seriously contimplate what I have been doing way too often in my life!

Peter from Without Wax had a post entitled:  I’m Tired of this Game.  In it, he talks about comparisons he makes about other people.  I sat there and realized, I too do this ALL the time!  I don’t like it, it doesn’t make me feel better about myself either.  Usually, I look at them and wish I were that way…I see something I am lacking in my own life.  If I’m not careful, it can lead to jealously…something that is ugly in and of itself!

I am who God intended me to be and I shouldn’t be comparing myself to anyone else!

“Speak Lord, for your servant is listening”

The last few days I have been feeling like God is moving in my life, calling me to something more, freeing me up from something that has been holding me back from the fullness of God.

Last night as I was preparing for Bible Study (we are reading Beth Moore‘s book, Get Out Of That Pit together…which, by the way, is a great book!), I felt the Lord tugging on my heart.  I knew that I was on the brink of some sort of breakthrough.  I instantly emailed my worship leader mentor friend, and told her what I was feeling, she lead me to this scripture…

1 Samuel 3:9-11 (New International Version)

9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’ ” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

10 The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”
Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

11 And the LORD said to Samuel: “See, I am about to do something in Israel that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle.

For so long I have felt like I have ADD and only when it comes to sitting down to spend quiet time with the Lord.  I just can’t quiet myself down to stop and listen to what God has to say for me.  I have been really struggling with finding my quiet time.

The feeling that the “flood gates of Heaven” will open if I just surrender and spend some quality time with God.  How do you do that with a house full of boys and a dog that likes to bark at the cat?  There are so many distractions in my house!

This morning sealed it when I came across a post from Pete (the Pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville) on Without Wax.  Yep, that confirmed what I have known…I have a self problem, I need to stop focusing on myself and start focusing on God!  Thanks Pete for the confirmation this morning.

People

This is the 3rd week of our Bible Study…

List 3 things you need from friends.

  1. Companionship
  2. Encouragement
  3. Listening Ear, someone to be there when I need a shoulder to cry on

Do you consider yourself a good listener? Why?
I’d like to think so. I do try hard to listen to what people are saying to me. I know I need to work on interrupting people (it’s a bad habit that I’ve acquired over the years) and I need to stop trying to “1 up” their story!

What are you missing most in your relationships (think about your friends, family, spouse, Christ)?
Closeness. I have kept people at an arms length for so many years. It’s something I developed over all the moves to guard my heart from being hurt when we moved away. Now that we are here and pretty settled at being in this general area, I’m starting to let my guard down.

Think of someone who could be your Spiritual mentor. What would they be like? What qualities or characteristics would they have?
Someone who is knowledgeable in God’s word, gentle, loving, kind, supportive, and holds me accountable. Someone who checks in on me from time to time.

How can you mentor someone else?
By being in prayer for that person daily. Talking to them, checking up on them, making sure they are getting plugged in at church. Spending time with them.

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Praise

Week 2 of our Bible Study questions…

Describe a time when you were in deep communion with God…How were you feeling? What were you thinking? What was going on inside of you?
I feel an urgency inside my soul, urging me to pray ad to humble myself before God. Even with the urgency, there’s a Peace, knowing that He’s there caring, talking and sharing with me. I am weak and can not get up from where I am. My thoughts are all consumed with God and His presence. Nothing on earth could shake or distract me at that moment. I am forever changed in that moment, never able to look back! My heart leaps. My body shakes…as if cold, yet I’m not.

How would you describe God at that moment?
How does one begin to describe God in that moment? I don’t know how to describe Him…he’s Powerful, Kind, Calming, Peaceful, Comforting, Direct, Friendly, Loving, Warm, full of Mercy and Grace…the list could go on.

What 1 think could you do to Praise God?
Stop complaining about things and start praying about them instead!

Have you surrendered yourself fully to God?
At one point in my life I know that I have…but at this moment, if I’m being total honest (and that’s what I want), I’d say that I’m holding onto something…I need to let go…I need to figure out what it is and why I think I need to hold onto it.

How will what you learned impact your worship?
I will focus my attention inward and search my heart for what it is that I’m holding onto. I want to fully surrender to God

Lessons Learned…
Describe a significant event that happened in your life.
So, I went out and did what every 16 year old does with her friends (well in my little town that is), we went cruising! We used her car since mine wasn’t in any shape to be driving around outside of our little town (according to my parents)…Too unreliable. After a night of driving around, I got into my little Chevette and headed back home. On my way home, I see car headlights coming straight toward my car. I slow down and pull closer to the parked cars. Still that car comes at me. I then realize it was going to hit me…I brace my arms against the steering wheel and prepare for impact.

I close my eyes and when I open them, I’m not facing the direction I once was. I look around and there’s a car not too far from mine all dented in as well. As I glance around my little car, I see some part of the engine laying down in the passenger seat. The steering wheel has been snapped in half. Out of habit, I pull down the mirror and see that a tooth had been moved in my mouth…my reaction…push it back into place.

I reach for my door…it won’t open…my seatbelt is completely stretched out and won’t retract. I can’t get out…I’m trying and trying, but the door won’t open.

A lady comes to my door…”Are you ok, do you want me to call your parents”

I manage to tell her yes, and sit there. I just want to get out of my car. Here comes the rescue…they come over to me, climb into my passenger seat and start checking me out. He asks if I’m ok…I know this man, he was a Sunday School teacher I had once before. I tell him yeah, but I think my foot might be broke..I can’t move it. I begin to tell him that my door won’t open, I tried. He says “Sit tight, we’ll get you out of here.”

Dad comes over to the car to see how I am…I tell him I’m scared, I want out. He tries to help the rescue worker get me out, only to be told to STOP, Please don’t move her, we’ll take care of this. The next thing I see is my dad talking to the cop (they are friends).

They start moving me, OUCH, my leg hurts…BAD! Oh wait, it’s not my foot that is broke, it’s my leg! With a lot of pain and work, they finally get me out of the car. But not before cutting my door!

Now I’m cold, really cold. I want so much to be warm, I’m scared…

They take me in the ambulance to the hospital…the guy that hit me is in the same ambulance…I don’t like that. I feel every little bump that the go over.

At the hospital, things are crazy…x-rays, needles, lights…where are my parents?? After a little while, they come in. (This was told to me later, but apparently the guy that hit me had told the hospital staff that I was his daughter and we had been in a car accident and he wanted to know how I was…when my parents got there and told them they were my parents, there were some problems…they had to figure out who I belonged to). I hear the doctor talking to my parents…I strain to see the x-ray, but I can’t. I hear him say, it’s broke, she’ll have to have surgery and a rod placed in her leg. It has to be tomorrow.

They wheel me up to the 3rd floor to put traction into my leg. My parents were told to stay down on the 1st floor and they’d come and get them when that was finished.

I’m in a room, it’s all white, there are a bunch of nurses standing around me. I know a couple of them from church. They are going to put traction into my leg…I can’t have pain medication yet…OUCH that hurts…I’m crying, I’m screaming…why can’t they numb me? The nurse starts pumping in the morphine, but it’s not helping. The nurse that I know leans in and tells me that this is almost over and that I can squeeze or bite her hand if I wanted…she looks really concerned. She said she can’t give me any more medication since I had hit my head in the crash.

Finally, it’s over…No more pain…I’m tired…I want my parents.

I’ll speed this story up a bit because so much of it is still fuzzy in my head. I had a broken Femur in my right leg. Apparently the break was clean, however, the bones were laying too close to that main artery in my leg and that’s why they couldn’t allow my dad to help them for fear that I would bleed to death. Because of all the injuries I sustained (I won’t go into all that, some of it is TMI, but you are getting the main of it) and all the x-rays that were taken, I was told that I may never be able to have children. I was in the hospital for 1 week and out of school for 1 month. I healed very quickly, the doctor was so surprised! At the time of the accident (September), he didn’t think I’d be able to play softball, but by the time February rolled around, I was well enough and strong enough to play softball!

Fast forward 5 years. I am now married and we’ve already accepted the fact I may never have children, although we’ve never attempted to try and we did protect ourselves “just in case.” While in church practicing with the Praise & Worship team, we had a Hispanic Preacher come into our church and minister to us. He was there that morning with an interrupter, but tonight, for whatever reason, the interrupter isn’t around. He begins praying for each member of our team. I’m last, he looks at me (mind you I don’t speak an ounce of Spanish), and asks if I want a baby (in his VERY broken english, I only understood the word baby). I stand there shaking my head. He begins praying over me and says it’s not your fault and boy…those are the only thing I understand…along with the chuckles that come from him. He keeps saying boy, boy, boy and chuckles. I don’t understand, but I know God is working in my life…I feel things happening in my uterus. 2 years later, I had my 1st boy…(3 others follow in time).

What did you learn from that event? How were you impacted because of that lesson learned?
Even though I went through such a tragedy, my faith has grown so much over the years from the remnants of what happened to me. I could have been so angry with the man that hit me, but I wasn’t. I could have died, but I didn’t. I could have blamed God for everything that happened, but I didn’t, I clung to God! I had a renewed faith and the seeds were beginning to grow at that time. Then with the miracle of being able to have children, I don’t doubt for one minute that I wasn’t healed. The doctors told my parents about me not having children as well, so it wasn’t just something I thought I had heard. After my twins were born in 2005, my mom said she was so proud of me and thought I wouldn’t ever have any children, I looked at her and told her, I know, and reminded her of the Hispanic Preacher that prayed over me.

This event has helped me grow into the person I am today. I am forever changed by the events that happened…not only physically, but Spiritually as well!

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Passion

This is one of the first entries from the Bible Study I did at our church…

Describe the most Passionate person you know…describe their attributes.

D – she is passionate in her worship to the Lord. There is a connection that you see when she worships. She doesn’t care what others think of how she looks or acts, it’s just her and the Lord. She is also passionate about the teenagers in her church. She is a very gentle leader, but stands firm in her faith. She knows the Word of God and knows how to apply it to her life. She’s sensitive to the Spirit of God, knowledgeable, loves singing and teaching. This is someone I look up to and learn from.

She is my sister…the one who showed me that there was more to faith than just going to church on Sunday morning. Because of her, I am a Christian today!

There were many people that I thought about describing for this study, but D was the one who came to mind first so I went with her!

What keeps you from living the Passionate Life that Lucy Swindoll talked about?
Pride…life issues…children.

Name 3 Things you’d like to do or change to be more passionate about your life?

  1. Start making time for myself to study and learn
  2. Get involved in the Children’s ministry
  3. Become more organized…I believe that by me being organized, I won’t scramble to do things that shouldn’t take that long.

What did you learn about yourself?
I learned that I’m not as passionate as I once was. This sounds bad, but since having children, my passion has diminished. I have become unorganized and chaotic in my life. I need to change to become more passionate. I need to stop worrying about what others think of me, especially in worship.

How will that learning impact your daily living?
I have put things into motion already. I am becoming involved in the Children’s ministry. Organization, well, that’s a process that I need to begin…task by task…until I get things how I want them to be.

Personal Vision:
I would like to become more organized in my house. Spend more time in the Word, become more knowledgeable. Step up and begin working in the Children’s ministry and getting more involved in church.

Goals:
Start figuring out what to do with all this AVON stuff so I can become organized!! Step by step, work on this a little each day until it’s accomplished
Step up and volunteer to be the 1st and 2nd grade Sunday School teacher
Speak with the Children’s ministry leader about Directing VBS next year.
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Complaint Bracelet

I was searching through some blogs today and came across Hold Your Tongue from Such a Time As This and thought I’d do the same!

I’ll be using my John 3:16 bracelet as my Complaint Bracelet. One I wear often. Now I’ll have to switch it from wrist to wrist if I complain. It’s a start!

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Serve in Joy

I was reading Ecclesiastes today and in the 2nd chapter it talks about the Futility of Work and the lack of joy and enthusiasm. I have been there. It’s hard to do your duties when you dislike what you are doing.

God calls us to have a purpose. I believe that when you follow God’s calling and are doing what you were created to do, you will do it with JOY. The joy that I had this past week during VBS was wonderful. I was in a ministry that I wasn’t called to be in, but was put there, there was no joy on the days I had to work. That’s not what God’s work should be like.

So, my prayer has been that God will not only show me what it is that I am called to do in regards to the Children’s Ministry at our church, but also that it would bring joy not only to me but also to those I serve!

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Phillippians 4: 6-7

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Direction

I have been feeling the call…I need to pray for direction from God.

I need to pray to see how and where God wants me to be…a teacher, a helper, etc.

I guess it’s time to get down on my knees!

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