For some time now, I’ve been noticing a change in Michael (my oldest).  They’ve been little things, things I thought were just the signs of maturity…as in he’s getting older, (remember I said LITTLE)…but now, I’m not so sure it’s JUST that, I think it’s more of God working in him.  It’s great to see!

Michael has been really diving into what God wants for him.  In his youth group, they went through the gifts and had each of them really take a look at what they think their giftings are and then have their parents look it over and give their insights as well.  I took a look at the papers that Michael had.  He circled a “Maybe” for Encouragement.  Yes, I can see that.  He does seem to come up right along side his brothers when they are struggling and help them along.   So yeah, he might have some of that in him…

He had originally circled a “Maybe” for Helping, but then changed it to a “No”.  I think he was right the first time…he does have some of this gift in him as well.  I’ve seen him helping behind the scenes a lot here lately…I’d love to give an example, but I don’t think I will…a few already know what he’s been helping with and I don’t want him to get a “big head” about that.  But he asks to help, it’s not them asking him to help.

Leadership was another “Maybe” he had circled.  I think that as the oldest child in any given family, they tend to have a leadership quality.  So, yes, he does have a little of this quality as well.  I’ve even had some of his 6th grade teachers tell me that he has this as well.

The thing he circled a “Yes” for has been the one thing that has struck me the most.  I don’t know if he has this gift, but I’m not going to say he doesn’t.  That’s really not for me to say, that’s between Michael and God.  God will be the one who has to confirm this gifting.  Michael circled a “Yes” on Pastoring.  He has told me that he thinks he wants to be a Youth Pastor.  This floored me.  I had no idea…I told him that this is something I cannot confirm or deny for him, that it was something he was going to have to pray about and get confirmation from God.

A Youth Pastor.

WOW

God has really been moving in his life!  It’s exciting to see.

When my children were a bit younger than what they are now, I struggled with what my calling was.  Why am I here?  What is my purpose?

After some thinking and talking over with a few friends of mine, I have come to the conclusion…my purpose is to be a Stay at home mom.  That’s what God has called me to do for a season (yes, that season is quickly coming to an end since my youngest ones are now 5).

Over the past few months, I have realized how involved in my children’s lives and education that I have become.  I have also realized that I wouldn’t be able to do half the things I have done with my boys if I were a working mom.

Please Note… Not everyone has the same calling.

When Michael forgets something at home, he has the opportunity to call me as soon as he gets to school and ask me to bring it to him.  That’s something that may annoy me at first, but then I realize, not everyone is able to do that.  When Noah has a party at school, I’m able to go and help out (and thankfully, his teacher has allowed me to bring Daniel and Andrew with me as well).

Don’t get me wrong, there are days that I think life would be so much easier if I worked outside the home, but that’s not what God has called me to.

You can read Part 2 Here

I was only 16 when they told me I may never be able to have children.  How does a 16 year old comprehend that?  It was something that went in one ear and out the other…not to be thought about again until I met Kevin (a year later).

When Kevin and I started getting serious, I flat out told him that I may never be able to have any children.  His response “Then we’ll just adopt”…he didn’t even hesitate…it was an automatic response!

Fast forward a few years…Kevin and I had been married for 2 years and at Praise and Worship practice (yep, even back then I sang and Kevin ran sound).  There was a Hispanic minister that had preached at our church that morning with an interpreter.  However, he was at practice (which we did on Sunday nights) without the interpreter.  He spoke very little English…just enough that you could get the jest of what was being said.

He began praying over each member of the Worship team.  I had NEVER shared with anyone on the team (nor the pastor) about what the doctors had said to me in regards to having children.  He got to me and asked me if I wanted to have children (basically only said the word child…or was it baby…anyway, enough that I knew what he was talking about).  I shook my head.  He began praying for me.  During that prayer the only words I could understand was baby…not your fault…and boy.  He would pray, giggle a little and say boy…this happened a couple different times…if you know my family as it is now, you can probably imagine what he was seeing as he was praying.  At the time, I had no children, so I didn’t understand the whole prayer.

Within a few months (only a couple of actually trying), I became pregnant with my 1st child.  I believe with all my heart that God healed me that day.  I may have been 16 when they told me I may never have any children, but I was 22 when I went to my family and told them that I was going to have a baby!

As the ENT assessed me, he asked me if I felt any pain.  My answer…Nope.  They had to pry the door open and climb into the back seat of my car to get me onto a stretcher.  That question about pain…my answer changed as soon as they started moving me!!  Oh yeah, I probably should mention that as they were getting me out of the car…this is when I realized that my leg was broken.  My right knee had hit the dashboard and the side of my leg had hit the gear shift, breaking my femur on my right leg. I also noticed that the steering wheel had been snapped in half too and my head had hit the windshield.

They loaded me onto the ambulance and they also loaded the guy that hit me onto the same ambulance…again…small town, only 1 ambulance.  Off we go to the hospital.  While in the ambulance, I started getting those cold chills…(shock) I was loaded up with blankets.  But the more I shivered, the more my leg hurt.

Once we got to the hospital, the drama started!  Most of which I found out AFTER the fact.  The man that hit me told the staff that I was his daughter and he wanted to know how I was.  What threw a wrench into that was my parents showed up asking about me.  As all that got figured out, the doctor started in with the x-rays and the nurses came in trying to keep me calm.

From my bed, I could see the light window thing that they show the x-ray films on (I have no clue what that’s called) and could see that my femur was broken.  My parents were told that I would have to have surgery first thing in the morning and their choice was to put a rod into my leg or to put me into a full body cast (which I would have to relearn how to walk).  They chose the rod.

The next thing I can remember is being upstairs in a room with many doctors and nurses standing around my bed and this traction machine over my head.  Yep…time to put me into traction.  I know I had mentioned earlier that my head hit the windshield…yep, that threw a kink into the traction…They started pumping the morphine into my IV as they started putting the traction in.  Do you know that pain medicine takes a little while to work?  Yep…I felt them put the traction in!  Apparently, my parents were on the 1st floor while they had me on the 3rd floor.  They didn’t want them up there until the traction was finished.

After all that, it was time for me to relax (as much as you can in traction)…surgery would be the next day!

Morning of surgery…I don’t remember much.  I can remember being in the operation room and counting, then waking up back in my room.  Not much excitement…except the traction was gone and now I had a long incision on my right hip where the rod went into my leg. They noticed that my hand was swelling, so they brought the x-ray machine up to see if there were any broken bones in my left hand.  Thankfully there weren’t, however they did fit me with a brace so I could use crutches.  There was also a lot of other trauma in other places…long story short on that, the doctors told me (and my parents) that I may never be able to have children.  As part of therapy, they put me in a machine that automatically bent my leg…I didn’t do anything!  A day after surgery, I was up on crutches…I had to be taught how to use them.  I didn’t get the whole stairs thing very easily.  I went home and was out of school for about a month.

To be continued…

I guess I should go back and start from the beginning…

It was a Sunday, my nephew’s dedication.  I was asked to be his God Mother.  How neat for a 16 year old to have a God Son!  It started out as an awesome day!

That evening, after his dedication, I decided to hang out with a friend of mine.  I had my license, she had her permit…I was going to be her license driver…we were going cruising!  I drove my little red Chevette out to her house and we got into her car and headed out.  Since curfew was at 9 (school night and all…), we came home in plenty of time for me to drive home.

I climbed back into my car and started home.  As I came into town, I slowed down…didn’t want to get pulled over by a cop!  I noticed a car with it’s headlights coming my way…it looked like it was over the center line, so I slowed down even more and pulled closer to the parked cars.  Little did I realize that the next few moments would define the rest of my life!

Seconds after slowing way down and pulling closer to those parked cars, I realized that this car was coming fast and it was in my lane!  There was no place for me to go!  My adrenaline kicked in and I grabbed a hold of the steering wheel ready to brace myself against this car that was coming fast.

A split second later, my car was mangled, and facing the left side of the road.  As I looked around, I saw the other car stopped a few yards past me.  The next thing I can remember was me trying to open my door.  It was stuck!  A lady (who happened to be the Chief of Police’s daughter) approached my car and asked me if I was ok…still in a dazed, I said I thought so, she then asked if I would like her to call my parents (the benefits of growing up in a small town, everyone knows everyone and their parents).

I hear the sirens of the ambulance.  Then one of the ENT’s came over and started talking to me (he happened to be a Sunday School teacher at the church I went to).  He put the brace around my neck and did his assessment from the door.  Told me not to move.

My parents showed up and were a bit shocked.  They had told me at a later date that they figured that I had hit a parked car or something…the scene they came up on was not what they had expected.  Dad came over to the car and started talking to me.  I could tell he desperately wanted to help them get me out of the car…but the ENT insisted that my dad NOT touch me (we were told later why).

Things from that night are still a bit fuzzy…so some of the above information may be a bit off, but for the most part, it is as accurate as I can remember.

To be continued…

On this particular day, we decided to go to Caribou to get drinks (I’m sure mommy didn’t have any influence on that decision because I’m not addicted to Caribou Coffee or anything).

We get to the drive-thru and there are a couple people in line ahead of us.  And like any other trip to Caribou, I ask each of the 4 boys what they would like to drink.  We order our drinks (all 5 of them) and I dig out my money.  Once the gentleman in front of me pulls away, I proceed to the window.

The worker pops her head out of the window and asks if I would like to buy a bag of coffee.  I look at her a bit puzzled…they never ask that when you get to the window.  She proceeds to explain…

“That gentleman that was ahead of you just paid for all your drinks, so you don’t have a total.  So would you like to buy a bag of our coffee?”

SHOCKED!  I decided that since I have an obsession with like Caribou’s Coffee, that I would go ahead and purchase a bag of coffee…because, well, that coffee was a lot less than it would have been to buy 5 drinks.

What a great thing Random Acts of Kindness are!  Have you had someone do something nice for you?  Have you done a random act of kindness to someone else?

Friday was our first meeting of the New Year at The River Church.  The title of the meeting was “Have a Soup-er New Year”.  It was a Soup dinner…there were lots and lots of yummy soups and breads and desserts!  We talked about Friendship and did a devotional called A Recipe for Friendship.  Then we spent some time doing a few “get to know you” type of mixer games.

One of the first things we had the women do as they entered was write something unique about themselves on a slip of paper along with their name and put it into a basket (folded of course).  We used these as a transitional type of thing.  One of the leaders read a couple of the slips of paper (one at a time) and everyone would just throw out names trying to guess who it was!  It’s funny the things you get to know about other people…and who knew one of my friends from church had the same talent as I do…zyxwv…

We also went around the room and told our names, a little about ourselves (how many kids, how long you’ve been attending the church, the city you live in, etc.), along with a “Truth or Lie”.  We had to come up with a statement that everyone would guess would either be a truth or lie.  I now know those women who really can’t lie.

However, I think the best game, by far, was another get to know you type of game we did.  We all got into a circle, the first person would take a small stuffed animal and throw it to someone while saying their name.  Then that person would throw the animal to another person saying their name.  As that animal went through a couple people, the first person would grab the next animal and throw it to the same person.  One rule about the game is that you ALWAYS throw it to the same person and you ALWAYS receive it from the same person.  Just imagine a circle about 25 women large and 6 stuffed animals flying through the air and people yelling each other’s names.  It had us all laughing…mine (and a few others) stomach hurt from laughing so hard!

We are also starting a Secret Sister program in the church.  We are hoping to get all the women in our church involved in this.  Each member fills out a form, then they will be matched up with another member that you will pray for, send encouraging notes to (using a designated return address of one member who has graciously agreed to helping), and gifts.  We will be revealing at our Women’s Retreat (May 7-8), or that weekend for those who are unable to attend.

Next month, we will be doing a Service Project.  We are making those No-Sew fleece blankets and giving them to one of our local ministries.  So, if you are planning on attending, please remember to bring your 1 1/2 yard or 2 1/2 yard fleece.  If you are making a double layer one, please remember you need 2 pieces of fleece the same size (one solid color and one print that match each other)

I hope and pray that all the Women in our church will be blessed by our Monthly Meetings which are the 2nd Friday of each month with the exception of April (Spring Break) and May (Retreat).

Pete is doing a 31 Day Challenge (you can read about it here) but basically, 31 chapters in Proverbs = 31 days!  There’s a blog set up specifically for the 31 Day Challenge.

I just joined (a few days behind, but I can catch up), are you in?

So…Let’s begin, shall we?

January

I felt God’s direction about Vacation Bible School.  It was the beginning of January that I realized that God had been calling me to be the director of VBS for 2009.  I had helped run it in 2008, but the call to lead was stronger than the year before.  So by the end of January, it was decided that I would be the director of VBS.

February

Daniel and Andrew turned 4 and I celebrated my 35th birthday.  There was that LONG gap of my internet time.  From the moment that we decided to drop the DSL line and get the Cable line…December through February!  WOW, I remember being so upset that it was taking so long and we would get the run around!

March

The stress of VBS was in full force.  My dad struggled with clots one big one that he had been hospitalized for that ran from his groin to his ankle.  I was so happy that he was able to get that taken care of and sent home.  Kevin and I started our online search for a house.  Our intentions were to get a house big enough that my parents could come and stay when a kidney would become available for my dad, since dad’s Kidney doctor was down here by us.

April

I was so excited to be joining in on the A Woman Inspired online conferences!  My dad’s kidneys were getting worse and the doctors were moving forward with getting dad ready for dialysis and his kidney transplant.

May

God began speaking to me about a ministry that my heart had desired to work with.  At the time (May) I didn’t mention the ministry and I really hadn’t mentioned it much since…things just recently came to pass.  I was speaking of the Ladies Ministry at our church.  God had began to open the doors for me to work with that ministry.   I also began writing about the Road to a Kidney and the feelings regarding my dad and a kidney transplant.

June

We were packing up our place and getting ready to move into our new home.  What an exciting time!

July

Michael turned 12.  We had a 4th of July party in our new home!  My dad had to have open heart surgery in July.  It was a triple bypass.  How hard that was to know that my dad going into this surgery would cause his kidneys, that weren’t functioning properly, to completely stop working.  It was extremely hard for me to be there and see all those tubes he had when he came out of surgery.  At that moment, I had realized just how hard it was to watch my dad struggle and be in so much pain.

August

VBS month!  Wow, it was such a whirl-wind and a blur!  I was so happy when the week was over!  The day after VBS, however, I jumped right into working on the Women’s Ministry Retreat.

September

Noah turned 9!  We had the Women’s Retreat and I had so much fun!  I enjoyed every minute of getting all the things together as well as participating.  I started my research on 2010 VBS’s…I was overwhelmed again.  While praying for which program to run the next year, I felt God telling me my time as the director was over.  I was actually very relieved at that, but decided to pray more to be sure it just wasn’t my will.

October

An amazing month.  How I realized that distance doesn’t matter when God is involved and how God was using technology to minister to someone first hand!  My dad’s feet had began to turn purple from lack of circulation.  I had mentioned it to a pastor/friend who had mentioned it to a pastor/friend of his who just happened to be having revival services at his church…streaming online!  So I was able to get online with Larry Silverman’s church (who, by the way are STILL in revival and stream their services online) and hear them pray for my dad while having my cell phone up to the speakers of my computer so my parents (who were on the phone) could hear the prayers for my dad.

November

Unfortunately, my father passed away at the beginning of November.  It was very hard to watch him die.  My heart was split from being happy that he was no longer in pain to being sad that he was no longer with us.  I still struggle with this!   Kevin celebrated his birthday, it wasn’t much of a celebration time (sorry honey!) since it fell between my dad’s viewing and his funeral.

December

Our first Christmas without my dad had it’s moments, but we all had a pretty good time.  We celebrated this Christmas by having my mom spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with us.

As an overview, the beginning of 2009 was really great, the ending, too many deaths in the family!

I am looking forward to a new year!  Happy 2010!!

If you were to ask me how I’m doing (which most people right now who see me do), I’ll tell you “I’m ok”…what I really mean is please don’t ask me anymore.  I’m tired of people saying “I’m sorry”  “How are you doing?”, etc.  I know that’s what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone…there’s not really anything you can say that I haven’t heard.

My emotions are on the surface, I haven’t really had the time to grieve properly, I don’t know how or when the tears will come, but I’m afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That’s not to say I haven’t cried, I have…many different times, but I know there’s going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I’m not prepared for it, but I know that it’s not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).

Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I’m doing it because I’m just not wanting to talk.  I’ve turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don’t want to chat with people.  It’s not that I don’t care about what’ going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what’s going on with me…on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.

Please don’t get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I’m doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I’m just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won’t avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don’t say you are sorry…I already know that…I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad…let me go as “deep” as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me…don’t pity me.

Add to all this, Kevin’s grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband’s cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad’s brother’s son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren’t expecting her to live long either.  Although I don’t know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I’m just not sure how much more one person can take!

I’m somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it’s something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, “It’s not the big things, it’s the little things.”  She’s right…it’s not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I’m happy for him.  He’s no longer in pain, he’s healthy, he’s with Jesus.  It’s the little things, it’s not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn’t go the way I had expected.

Someday, I will have a “normal” life…but my new “normal” will be different than what it was before.