Christian Momma

Grieving is a lot different this time around.  I’ve been through the grieving process for a grandparent and uncles, and although it’s tough for them, grieving for your dad is far worse.

If you were to ask me how I’m doing (which most people right now who see me do), I’ll tell you “I’m ok”…what I really mean is please don’t ask me anymore.  I’m tired of people saying “I’m sorry”  “How are you doing?”, etc.  I know that’s what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone…there’s not really anything you can say that I haven’t heard.

My emotions are on the surface, I haven’t really had the time to grieve properly, I don’t know how or when the tears will come, but I’m afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That’s not to say I haven’t cried, I have…many different times, but I know there’s going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I’m not prepared for it, but I know that it’s not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).

Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I’m doing it because I’m just not wanting to talk.  I’ve turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don’t want to chat with people.  It’s not that I don’t care about what’ going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what’s going on with me…on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.

Please don’t get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I’m doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I’m just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won’t avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don’t say you are sorry…I already know that…I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad…let me go as “deep” as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me…don’t pity me.

Add to all this, Kevin’s grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband’s cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad’s brother’s son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren’t expecting her to live long either.  Although I don’t know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I’m just not sure how much more one person can take!

I’m somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it’s something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, “It’s not the big things, it’s the little things.”  She’s right…it’s not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I’m happy for him.  He’s no longer in pain, he’s healthy, he’s with Jesus.  It’s the little things, it’s not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn’t go the way I had expected.

Someday, I will have a “normal” life…but my new “normal” will be different than what it was before.

I know I haven’ t been the best at blogging lately, but have wanted to get on here the past few days to let you all know what has been going on.

As you may (or may not) know, my dad had been on a “Road to a Kidney” for some time now.  He started on Dialysis 3 times a week this past summer after his open heart surgery.  He fought as much as he could, however, I come today with a very heavy heart.

My beloved father passed away early Sunday morning.  He had said he was “tired” and just couldn’t fight any more.  As hard as it is, I know my father is no longer in pain and is spending is days with our Heavenly Father.

I never had any doubt about my father’s faith, but if I did, those doubts, they would have long since been gone.  We found a book that my dad had been writing in called “A Father’s Legacy”.  In it, we found out what an awesome relationship with God he had.  It was amazing…brought tears to our eyes to see how passionate he was about what it means to be a Christian and how he felt about his family.  What a great Legacy to leave behind!

I have decided to be sure to work on my “Reflections from a Mother’s Heart” book that I have received.  No one knows how short life is…that was made all to clear for me this past summer when my cousin’s wife (41) passed away of a heart attack and again with my dad who seemed fine just a few short days ago.

I have been so blessed with having that “Peace that Passes all understanding” that God gives (Philippians 4:7).  My heart is overwhelmed with the love and comfort from family and friends…some who lived close and those who live very far away.  The prayers were felt from the time I sent out a plea to pray on Wednesday (11/4/09), through dad’s death (11/8/09), through the funeral (11/10/09), and even today.  We have the Memorial service this Saturday.  We are calling it a “Celebration of Pat’s Life”…how appropriate!  We do need to celebrate all that my dad has done in his life and where he is now, standing on the streets of gold with Jesus…although, I’m sure he’s probably fishing.

My thoughts are now getting all jumbled up in my head, so I’m going to stop for now.  Thank you to those who were praying for our family, we greatly appreciate it!

What an awesome time!

The River Church hosted a Woman’s Retreat this past weekend (Friday evening – Saturday afternoon).  It was a great time of fellowship.

My car load arrived later than I was supposed to, but still early.  We hustled through the set up and registration then headed off to dinner.  I was in charge of the media…I was so grateful to have other women there who had done this type of thing before!

W was so happy to get to know the women of our church.  We spent time in the evening on Friday just talking.  A couple of the women I already knew fairly well, and a couple that I didn’t know well at all.  I have never laughed so hard…that’s what it’s all about.  Making friends and bonding with other women!

On Saturday, before lunch, there was a question and answer time.  At breakfast we were all given index cards to write a question on…the question could be about ANYTHING you wanted.  I was so excited when the question of “When is the next retreat?” came up!  How exciting that the women had so much fun that they were ready to start thinking about the next retreat!!

For those of you who didn’t attend, I strongly encourage you to try and attend the next retreat.  It was SO MUCH FUN!!

Change is inevitable…change is hard.

To grow, you have to change.

The transition from one place to another is very straining on everyone involved.  Friendships are strained.

A true friend walks in when the world walks out

But when God is in the midst of change, you know something powerful will come out of all the changes.

During this midst of change, I’m on my knees asking for God to guide me, direct me, protect me.

Have you ever thought about those people that shaped your life?

A couple days ago, I found the man that pastored the church I grew up in.  After talking with him, I realized how much this man has helped shaped my life in the way that it is now.  He was there during the impressionable part of my life…those teenage years.  He made Catechism class fun.  One joke he told that stood out (and I have no idea why) was…

Why is there a fence around the graveyard?

People are dying to get in!

That quirky sense of humor made the class fun. Youth Group trips were always so much fun…even if I did sit in the lodge while everyone else went skiing.  The top of that list would have to be the time we went to Church Camp as a youth group to work.  We painted each other the cabins and played in the mud…it was one of the messiest best times of my life!

God has a way of using people to help shape the lives of others.

Who has shaped your life?  I want to know!

2008 has come and gone already.  It sure seemed to go by quickly…sometimes a little too quickly!

January

The year started out with me beginning to work on Power Lab VBS (Ah Ha!).  I was also homeschooling Michael.  We were pretty on top of our schooling and things were going pretty smoothly at the time.  I was also beginning to work in the K-1 Sunday School class room at church.  That, wasn’t going as smoothly as I had wished.

February

VBS started to consume my thoughts.  I was having dreams about not being ready, and just an overwhelming sense that I’ve bitten off more than I could chew.  AKA…I wasn’t relying on God to help me, I was relying on my own strength to do it.

February also brought about Daniel & Andrew’s 3rd birthday as well as my 34th birthday.

Michael entered his first Science Fair and ended up with a Superior rating!  I was proud, but knew full well that if he had applied himself earlier in the month, but he decided to wait until the last minute to do it.  Then we hit a rough patch in our homeschooling…a bad one.  Causing me to question my ability to teach him not to mention my basic parenting skills.  But, through the Grace of God we got through it with help from some friends in our church.

March

March brought in a lot of saddness.  My grandmother’s health begain to fail drastically.  And a friend of mine lost her child in a horrible accident. My heart ached in ways I never knew it would.  Things in me shined trhough as well.  I didn’t realize how “in tune” I was to other’s saddness.  Michael had a meeting with the staff from his online school and things turned out so much better than I had originally anticipated.

April

In April, I took a blogging break…school slipped behind and I had to push Michael to get as much done as possible a day!  Spring seemed to bring out the worst in his schooling abilities and slowly we fell behind.

May

I won this Word Press blog…I’m ever so greatful to Lisa for hosting the giveaway that allowed me to win! The final push to get VBS was upon us.  VBS was scheduled for the 2nd week of June.  My grandmother passed away that month as well.

June

VBS week came and went without too much problems.  Yes, there were a few bumps in the road, but overall things turned out GREAT!  I was elated that things went as well as they did and relieved that it was all over with as well.

July

We celebrated Michael’s 11th birthday in July along with Kevin and I’s 14th wedding anniversary.  In between those 2 events, we threw my mom and dad a 60th Birthday/40th Wedding Anniversary party.  We were very impressed that we were able to pull it off!  Mom and dad had only suspected that we were planning on all going out to eat together, not that we would have all of their friends and family at a hall waiting for their arrival!  We even got one of their friends from High School to travel from Chicago to Ohio to celebrate with them as well!

We also got to see Extreme Makeover Home Edition in our town.  My mother drove down the night before to stay overnight and we headed out to the new house to watch the bus move.  That is a day that was HOT, but I wouldn’t have missed for the world.  To see something like that is a once in a lifetime thing.  Michael still claims to have High-Fived Ty!

August

We went for our 1 and only camping trip of the year.  We had so much fun, and would love to go back to the Michigan Dunes again.  Our church also had a Worship Night.  Something changed in me that night and I have been forever changed!

September

School started right after Labor Day!  We decided to send Michael back to public school since things weren’t working out the best for us at home.  We are happy to report that he is doing wonderful in the public school!

We celebrated Noah’s 8th birthday in September.  We also found out that an eight year old child, when given $20 in cash and not watched very closely at the grocery store (because mom and dad were busy ringing/bagging groceries), will spend the whole $20 on lottery tickets!  And before you ask…YES it’s illegal for him to purchase them, but when they have a “vending machine” of lottery tickets just sitting over by the bubble gum machines, it’s just calling for a child to play with it!  And he only wond $2!

October

In October, Kevin and I started going to a new Bible Study.  I was elated that Kevin wanted to go to one since he has never really showed any interest in going before.

We also walked, for the first time, in the JDRF Walk for a Cure for my Niece.  We were so proud of her, she ended up getting 2 awards…one for the amount of money raised and the other for the T-Shirt design!

November

We celebrated Kevin’s 38th birthday.  How?  Well, I went to a Arbone party and he watched football…now that’s love!

We had our traditional weekend after Thanksgiving shopping adventure.  My parents’ took Michael, Noah, Daniel, & Andrew for the weekend (it ended up my parents had Daniel & Andrew and my sister had Michael & Noah).  We always enjoy that weekend away from the boys.  It’s nice to pretend we are childless…even if it’s just for the weekend!  But we are always so excited when they return.

December

We spent most of the month either running from Christmas Program to Christmas Program or from Christmas to Christmas.  However this year it seemed to be a little less travel than usual.  We only spent 1 night up at my parent’s house and we actually had Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at home for the first time in a long time!

For 2009, I’m sure there will be new things that God shows us along the way, new challenges to overcome and new friends to meet, but I trust that God will be joining us along this journey and we will rest in the knowledge of Him.

So tonight I was enjoying listening to my MP3 player while Kevin played video games on his Xbox 360.  I had my MP3 player randomly choose my album to play today.  Today’s album was Superchic[k]‘s Beauty From Pain.  I enjoyed listening to the songs today, but there were a couple that spoke to me…

Suddenly

So did this group sneak up and shine a light into my life and write a song about it?  I’ve been feeling like I’ve been slipping and then realized that I was right where I was supposed to be all along.  How neat that this song was one that was able to bring words to what I’ve been trying to say all along.

Then there’s this song…Beauty From Pain

When I heard this, I couldn’t help thinking about a friend from our church who has been going through the grief of losing her child in a terrible accident.  My heart went out to them…and still does.  It also made me think of Attack of the Redneck mommy and what she’s been going through lately.  I sat here and said a few prayers for both of them.

Tonight, I got a call from a friend asking if I would like to meet her at Starbucks for some coffee and conversation.  How can you pass up Coffee and Grown-up conversation without children?

I had such a wonderful time talking with her.  She understands my struggles…and me just speaking out my struggles with her (i.e. quiet time), helps me get a clearer understanding on where I stand.

How does that work?  I didn’t say anything new that I hadn’t already thought of in my head before…but stating it outloud was like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders.

16Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much. ~ James 5:16

So over the past few months, I’ve been pondering how I’ve been treated as a friend. I’ve realized that I have more online friends than real life friends. It’s a sad reality that I am faced with. I’ve posted before how I’ve been treated with my real life friends and it’s not like I’ve completely “cut them out”, but I’ve “given up”. I’m tired of being the one who has to initiate conversations, calls, etc.

So fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I wanted to go out shopping…dh didn’t want to go, he told me to go ahead and go. So I sat here and thought, “Who can I call to go with me shopping?” I came up with NO ONE! I went through my whole address book…and nothing! The people who lived close enough to me to go, I wouldn’t really consider them close friends, well, not close enough to ask to go shopping with…the ones I used to ask, they live so far away and have a life of their own.

So here I am…the reality has hit me like a brick! I don’t have a close friend like I used to have. Maybe I’m living in the past where no one had a family or whatever, but it’s a very sad thing. I have my husband, he is my friend, my best friend, but that’s not what I want. I want a close girlfriend to go out with, to call when I need to chat, etc. These are things I’ve had before…I had them when I was in Ohio years ago…I had them when I was in Colorado….I had them when I was in Minnesota…why not now?

Ok, I’m done sounding pathetic!