Christian Momma

I had 2 little (and when I say little, we are talking 2 pounds each!) boys!

Happy Birthday Daniel!!

Happy Birthday Andrew!!

I was reading Soliloquy’s end of year review that she wrote and thought…I wrote something like this last year, I should do it again!  Thanks Soliloquy!

So…Let’s begin, shall we?

January

I felt God’s direction about Vacation Bible School.  It was the beginning of January that I realized that God had been calling me to be the director of VBS for 2009.  I had helped run it in 2008, but the call to lead was stronger than the year before.  So by the end of January, it was decided that I would be the director of VBS.

February

Daniel and Andrew turned 4 and I celebrated my 35th birthday.  There was that LONG gap of my internet time.  From the moment that we decided to drop the DSL line and get the Cable line…December through February!  WOW, I remember being so upset that it was taking so long and we would get the run around!

March

The stress of VBS was in full force.  My dad struggled with clots one big one that he had been hospitalized for that ran from his groin to his ankle.  I was so happy that he was able to get that taken care of and sent home.  Kevin and I started our online search for a house.  Our intentions were to get a house big enough that my parents could come and stay when a kidney would become available for my dad, since dad’s Kidney doctor was down here by us.

April

I was so excited to be joining in on the A Woman Inspired online conferences!  My dad’s kidneys were getting worse and the doctors were moving forward with getting dad ready for dialysis and his kidney transplant.

May

God began speaking to me about a ministry that my heart had desired to work with.  At the time (May) I didn’t mention the ministry and I really hadn’t mentioned it much since…things just recently came to pass.  I was speaking of the Ladies Ministry at our church.  God had began to open the doors for me to work with that ministry.   I also began writing about the Road to a Kidney and the feelings regarding my dad and a kidney transplant.

June

We were packing up our place and getting ready to move into our new home.  What an exciting time!

July

Michael turned 12.  We had a 4th of July party in our new home!  My dad had to have open heart surgery in July.  It was a triple bypass.  How hard that was to know that my dad going into this surgery would cause his kidneys, that weren’t functioning properly, to completely stop working.  It was extremely hard for me to be there and see all those tubes he had when he came out of surgery.  At that moment, I had realized just how hard it was to watch my dad struggle and be in so much pain.

August

VBS month!  Wow, it was such a whirl-wind and a blur!  I was so happy when the week was over!  The day after VBS, however, I jumped right into working on the Women’s Ministry Retreat.

September

Noah turned 9!  We had the Women’s Retreat and I had so much fun!  I enjoyed every minute of getting all the things together as well as participating.  I started my research on 2010 VBS’s…I was overwhelmed again.  While praying for which program to run the next year, I felt God telling me my time as the director was over.  I was actually very relieved at that, but decided to pray more to be sure it just wasn’t my will.

October

An amazing month.  How I realized that distance doesn’t matter when God is involved and how God was using technology to minister to someone first hand!  My dad’s feet had began to turn purple from lack of circulation.  I had mentioned it to a pastor/friend who had mentioned it to a pastor/friend of his who just happened to be having revival services at his church…streaming online!  So I was able to get online with Larry Silverman’s church (who, by the way are STILL in revival and stream their services online) and hear them pray for my dad while having my cell phone up to the speakers of my computer so my parents (who were on the phone) could hear the prayers for my dad.

November

Unfortunately, my father passed away at the beginning of November.  It was very hard to watch him die.  My heart was split from being happy that he was no longer in pain to being sad that he was no longer with us.  I still struggle with this!   Kevin celebrated his birthday, it wasn’t much of a celebration time (sorry honey!) since it fell between my dad’s viewing and his funeral.

December

Our first Christmas without my dad had it’s moments, but we all had a pretty good time.  We celebrated this Christmas by having my mom spend Christmas Eve/Christmas Day with us.

As an overview, the beginning of 2009 was really great, the ending, too many deaths in the family!

I am looking forward to a new year!  Happy 2010!!

It’s Black Friday!!   Kevin and I are out shopping…getting all those sales, yes we are one of those crazy people that go out at 3 am!!   The boys are with my mom…they went home with her and my sister after Thanksgiving yesterday, we will see them on Sunday!  Yep, that means a Kidless weekend for us!!

Have a wonderful day!!

Grieving is a lot different this time around.  I’ve been through the grieving process for a grandparent and uncles, and although it’s tough for them, grieving for your dad is far worse.

If you were to ask me how I’m doing (which most people right now who see me do), I’ll tell you “I’m ok”…what I really mean is please don’t ask me anymore.  I’m tired of people saying “I’m sorry”  “How are you doing?”, etc.  I know that’s what most people say, and I am guilty of that myself for those who have lost someone…there’s not really anything you can say that I haven’t heard.

My emotions are on the surface, I haven’t really had the time to grieve properly, I don’t know how or when the tears will come, but I’m afraid that when they do come, they may not stop for quite some time.  That’s not to say I haven’t cried, I have…many different times, but I know there’s going to come a time when the tears are really going to flow and the pain will be bad.  I’m not prepared for it, but I know that it’s not something that I want to happen in a public setting (i.e. church).

Sunday, I sang on the Praise team.  I was so glad to be back into the routine of being on the schedule, however, I found myself avoiding people.  I’m not doing it to be mean, I’m doing it because I’m just not wanting to talk.  I’ve turned off my chat function on Facebook because I don’t want to chat with people.  It’s not that I don’t care about what’ going on in your life, I do care, but at this moment, I need to deal with what’s going on with me…on my schedule, and right now I need to do it slowly.

Please don’t get offended if I ignore you when we pass, I’m doing it because there are certain people that I will lose all control around and I’m just not ready to do that yet.  There will come a time when I won’t avoid people.  If you must, just hug me, don’t say you are sorry…I already know that…I know you care, I can see it on your face.  For now, just be my friend.  Just sit with me, listen to me, let me lead the conversation about my dad…let me go as “deep” as I want into my grief in this moment.  Just pray for me…don’t pity me.

Add to all this, Kevin’s grandmother being diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and not doing well.  We are walking down the road of pain management again and Hospice coming in.  My husband’s cousin just lost his wife (in her early 40s) to a heart attack this past summer.  My cousin (dad’s brother’s son) is dealing with his grandmother dieing of cancer and Hospice being called in.  They aren’t expecting her to live long either.  Although I don’t know her much, I know my cousin is going through a lot (losing an Uncle and now a grandmother dieing).  I’m just not sure how much more one person can take!

I’m somewhere between numb and feeling everything.  My emotions are all over the place. I can cry at the drop of a hat, and usually it’s something as stupid as dropping a hat that will trigger the tears.  As my mom has said, “It’s not the big things, it’s the little things.”  She’s right…it’s not the overall picture of my dad dieing, I’m happy for him.  He’s no longer in pain, he’s healthy, he’s with Jesus.  It’s the little things, it’s not being able to open a jar, tripping over the same toys I do all the time, the dirty table, the dirty dishes, the never ending pile of laundry.  You know, those little annoyances you deal with on a daily basis.  Every once in a while, they trigger those tears because something doesn’t go the way I had expected.

Someday, I will have a “normal” life…but my new “normal” will be different than what it was before.

I know I haven’ t been the best at blogging lately, but have wanted to get on here the past few days to let you all know what has been going on.

As you may (or may not) know, my dad had been on a “Road to a Kidney” for some time now.  He started on Dialysis 3 times a week this past summer after his open heart surgery.  He fought as much as he could, however, I come today with a very heavy heart.

My beloved father passed away early Sunday morning.  He had said he was “tired” and just couldn’t fight any more.  As hard as it is, I know my father is no longer in pain and is spending is days with our Heavenly Father.

I never had any doubt about my father’s faith, but if I did, those doubts, they would have long since been gone.  We found a book that my dad had been writing in called “A Father’s Legacy”.  In it, we found out what an awesome relationship with God he had.  It was amazing…brought tears to our eyes to see how passionate he was about what it means to be a Christian and how he felt about his family.  What a great Legacy to leave behind!

I have decided to be sure to work on my “Reflections from a Mother’s Heart” book that I have received.  No one knows how short life is…that was made all to clear for me this past summer when my cousin’s wife (41) passed away of a heart attack and again with my dad who seemed fine just a few short days ago.

I have been so blessed with having that “Peace that Passes all understanding” that God gives (Philippians 4:7).  My heart is overwhelmed with the love and comfort from family and friends…some who lived close and those who live very far away.  The prayers were felt from the time I sent out a plea to pray on Wednesday (11/4/09), through dad’s death (11/8/09), through the funeral (11/10/09), and even today.  We have the Memorial service this Saturday.  We are calling it a “Celebration of Pat’s Life”…how appropriate!  We do need to celebrate all that my dad has done in his life and where he is now, standing on the streets of gold with Jesus…although, I’m sure he’s probably fishing.

My thoughts are now getting all jumbled up in my head, so I’m going to stop for now.  Thank you to those who were praying for our family, we greatly appreciate it!

Tonight I had a first hand glance at how God is using technology to minister to people.

Let me start by saying, my dad is in need of prayers.  As you know he’s diabetic and is waiting for a kidney.  He recently has been dealing with circulation problems in his legs…the lack of circulation is starting to turn his leg/s black.  Please pray for him, he is scared that he my lose his legs.

I started with that prayer request because it’s part of my story here.  I sent out an email to our prayernet at our church along with close friends that I know will pray for my dad.  One of the people I sent that request to is a dear friend of my parents.  Pastor Steve Keller is a minister our whole family has sat under for about a year when the church we were attending was going through a transition from one pastor to another.  Steve, his wife Annette, and my parents became very close friends.  My parents even went with him to some of his revival services.

Distance now hinders them from seeing each other.  My parents living in Ohio and they live in Georgia.  I try keeping them connected through emails so that they know what’s going on with my dad’s health.

After sending out my prayer request last night, I woke up to an email from  Steve.  God had laid it upon his heart to contact a friend of his that he ministered with, who happened to be having revival meetings going on right now in Florida.  My parents also know Larry & Corrinne Silverman from those revival meetings that they went on with Steve and Annette.

Another email arrived from Steve shortly after that with a link to the online podcast that would be happening LIVE tonight.  I made it a point to log on when it started.  Once I got it all up and running, I made sure to introduce myself and let them know who I was and where I was from.  Shortly there after, Steve signed on for the same meeting.  I sat and watched as they started their worship time.  Larry chatted with me for a little while to let me know that they would be praying for my dad as soon as the worship time was over.  I immediately called my mom and dad to let them know what was going on (my parents have been having issues getting online, so they were unable to connect to the internet today).

After the worship was over, I was sure to turn up the speakers on my computer, put my mom and dad (who both happen to be on the line) on speaker phone so that my computer speakers would pick up fully.  And through all this technology, my dad was prayed for and felt God touch him…from Florida all the way to Ohio!

God doesn’t allow something like distance to hinder His ministry.  Nothing is too big or too complicated for Him!

How awesome that God used technology to reach my dad!

Anyway, my dad goes in tomorrow morning to see his doctor about the circulation in his legs.  Please pray for healing for my dad.

Thank you!  And Praise God for all that He is doing in the lives of those in FL and in my dad!

Noah came out of surgery just fine.  He was a bit nauseated from the anesthesia, but came home, slept and in a few hours he was back to his normal self…well a tired and quiet version of himself.  The biggest complaint he had was of things being loud and having a headache.  He’s such a trooper, he did so well!

Thank you for all your prayers!

If things have gone well this week, right now, we are at Children’s Hospital getting Noah all checked in for his surgery (Adenoids out, Tubes in).

Prayers would be greatly appreciated!  If you follow me on Twitter/Facebook, I’ll try to update there!

Things aren’t progressing the way I would have thought.  I had always thought that my dad would be getting a kidney by Christmas…but the looks of that are slim.

Dad’s cousin was going through the testing to see if she was a match to give him a kidney.  All the preliminary testing showed up as a match, putting her into more and more testing.  Well, on the heart testing, they found blockage with her heart.  That puts a huge kink in the plans for her to donate a kidney to my dad.  However, I look at this as a blessing in disguise!  Had my dad’s cousin not been getting tests done for a kidney donation, I’m not sure they would have seen the blockage in her heart.

My dad has been having some swelling in his legs.  So he went in on Friday to see if they would be able to get a stint put into the legs to help with the flow of blood.  After being at the hospital for some time, they were unable to do anything about his legs.  He has a very high percentage (not sure the exact number, my mom had said something like 90%, but I’m not positive) of blockage in both legs.  With my dad being diabetic, this isn’t good.  He goes back on the 29th to the doctor to see what their options are now to get it fixed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed and frustrated.  I know my dad really wants a kidney…like Yesterday…but for now he goes in to dialysis 3 times a week.  Dialysis is really taking a toll on my dad too.  He’s usually extremely exhausted when he’s done and there are days he’s really sick from it as well.  I can only imagine what a number this is doing on my dad.  As for me, I feel bad…I feel helpless.  All I can do is pray, pray and pray some more.  I know God has my dad in his hands and He will give my dad a kidney when the time is right.  In the meantime, we learn to treasure each day.  Never missing a moment to tell my dad I love him and I care for him and I want him to do what’s best.

If you are a follower of our journey, please continue to pray.  I am really trying to keep up here, but I know I’ve been slacking!

With all the thoughts running through my head right now, I know this post is going to be all over the place.  Consider yourself forewarned!!

I, along with many others I know, have bronchitis!  Not fun!!  Because of this, I missed church…again!  I didn’t want to, I was scheduled for singing…but I couldn’t hit any note, and my “sexy voice” just wasn’t going to cut it!  Not to mention I didn’t want to get everyone else sick.

So, today was another lazy Sunday for me.  I got to sleep in.  We did run out and get groceries this afternoon after Kevin got back from church.  I am so glad we didn’t send our boys to church…Daniel got sick on our way home from the grocery store.

I had to miss my niece/God Daughter’s 2nd birthday too.  That was hard for me…I hate having to back out of plans, but I didn’t want to get their family sick too.

Noah has surgery on Thursday.  He’s getting his adnoids taken out and tubes put into his ears.  I pray that this will help with his hearing and that he would stop getting ear infections.  He’s struggling with reading and we have been working alongside his teachers getting him the help he needs to catch up.  I can’t help but wonder if his ear infections and him not being able to hear properly doesn’t have something to do with his reading.  I guess time will tell.   I just got to keep him healthy between now and Thursday.  I don’t want to have to reschedule his surgery.

Prayers would be greatly appreciated!!